Playscript

Scene sequence:

1) Forefather Čech is Coming

2) Jesus in Prague

3) Smetana and Beethoven

4) Birth of the Golem

5) Preparation for the Presidency

Characters:
Narrator – Šimon Pliska
Krakonoš – Jan Staněk
Forefather Čech – Karolína Knězů
Jesus – Šimon Pliska
Small Woman Speaking Spanish – Karolína Knězů
Musician – Jan Staněk
Smetana – Šimon Pliska
Beethoven – Karolína Knězů
Police Officer – Šimon Pliska
Golem – Puppet
Rabbi – Šimon Pliska
Masaryk – Jan Staněk
Havel – Šimon Pliska
Miss Europe – Karolína Knězů

1. Forefather Čech is Coming

/People gather in the square, the Narrator appears – the Krakonoš Tales theme song is playing. /

Narrator: The Czech land… the Czech land is something like a dream about dreams. I can’t think of another word to use… we all have dreams. Some of us should just keep them to ourselves. There is something magical about the Czech Republic. Maybe it’s the way the country seems to be constantly shrouded in mist, or the way the sun never quite reach the ground. Although these are probably the consequences of climate change. And what were the Czech people like? Don’t we know enough about them to tell stories? One thing I will remember for ever is how proud they were when they discovered they were speaking a language that no one really understands. A lot of can happen when Czechs get together and do nothing. Czech pride lies in this. But wasn’t Bohemia a country where such things could happen? A world that never existed? Where did no one want to go? And yet everyone somehow got there? Just like the fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- fore- forefather of this nation, Čech, who is currently wandering through the mountainous landscape with a large backpack under which he bends. He seems to be running out of energy and needs to rest. But the spirit of Czech nature Krakonoš, is nearby. And here my task ends. I have fulfilled my duty and, like any true Czech, I have no intention of ever doing anything again…

/Forefather Čech and Krakonoš appears. /

Forefather Čech: Come on! Is it already taken here too?!

Krakonoš: Looking for something, my friend?

Forefather Čech: Don’t you know where I could settle?

Krakonoš: Are you American?

Forafather Čech: Would that help? I can be American.

Krakonoš: I built it here for a thousand years.

Forefather Čech: Oh yes… I heard about this place… it looks like Kiel here… but there aren’t that many ships. Not so many moths. Not so much sea either.

Krakonoš: Where do you come from?

Forefather Čech My father’s name was Korkoj. Once upon a time, he lived on a small island near Mount Vesuvius. There was nothing in my father’s house but old shoes, rotten apples and rotten vegetables… So he always cooked us dinner out of it…

Krakonoš: That’s quite an impressive family…

Forafather Čech: Then the Great Wall of China came down. We left Vesuvius in somersaults. We had a big party downstairs, than the neighbours kicked us out… I go back and forth and I’m like, ´What have I gotten myself into?´. Suddenly I meet an old witch on the road, so I asked her if she knew any girls.  She told me about the famous town of Usta Siena. Nothing here, nothing there… I guess, this isn´t Usta Siena? Are there any girls here?

Krakonoš: I have no idea. Are you going somewhere else, or are you going to wait here until tomorrow?

Forefather Čech: Oh well, wherever there is a place… I can sleep on it… I give up, I’ll stay with you.

Krakonoš: And you’re leaving tomorrow /Krakonoš is silent. / And you’re leaving tomorrow, right?

Forefather Čech: Well, shit on my bald head, if it’s not nice here!

Krakonoš: Do you want to stay here? Here?! We have nice houses here, yes – but it’s getting cold here very soon…

Forefather Čech: It is a beautiful country. There are so many trees that grow everywhere! /Finds new and new trees. / Really everywhere!

Krakonoš: We also don’t have much to eat. Except for the meat, and that has no taste at all.

Forefather Čech: Oh yes… and mountains. Yes… that reminds me – there are also two mountains. They totally remind me of… well – let’s see… yes… yes – they are mountains – mountain hills – mountain peaks…

Krakonoš: Everything is crooked here! And everything looks weird! /To the audience. / Look at that old man, his hands are cold. And what does it have…? Glass eye…. Everything is destroyed. The soil will rot. Grasshoppers will fall, and not only – also frogs will fall, maybe even cats! The river always split out some dead fish. WELL!

You can’t drink the water here! What awaits us here? People are already tired!

Forefather Čech: That’s why I have to stay here. My name means rest in German.

Krakonoš: No, it doesn’t.

Forefather Čech: Yes, it does.

Krakonoš: It doesn’t.

Forefather Čech: /He pulls out a pocket German dictionary. / Der Tscheche – ein Simulant

Krakonoš: Pack your bags, Czech!

Forefather Čech: /Starts to wail. / Something to eat, something to sleep! A place to rest our weary limbs!

Krakonoš: Dude, I warn you. Get up! Get up!

Forefather Čech: Ohhh… my head… My head hurts! It hurts terribly! Bring on the ice! Some water!!! Go over there and put the damn thing between my legs! Quick, man, quick!

Krakonoš: /Takes the hoe. / I will gut you with my own hands! And it’s not because I hate you, it’s because you came to visit.

/Forefather Čech quickly gets up and runs away. /

Forefather Čech: /To the audience. / Are the people here always this hospitable? You deserve neither an explanation nor an excuse.

Krakonoš: I don’t want to be treated like a foreigner, and if anyone tries, I’ll beat him up!

Forefather Čech: Beware, the great man said: „Don’t fuck with your grandmother“.

Krakonoš: Curses creatively

Forefather Čech: Enough – I’m your daughter! You haven’t heard from me in years and now this?  Forefather Čech: Okay, I will humble myself. I am fine with these trees, the right river bank and your house. Krakonoš: Curses creatively Forefather Čech: Yes! The only thing that can stop me from settling here… is a huge tree! /Krakonoš drops the hoe and starts conjuring a tree from the ground. / Krakonoš: /Whispering. / Hergot, why don’t they make it bigger? Forefather Čech: It looks small. Krakonoš: /Timidly. / Seems pretty big to me. Forefather Čech: And that’s already full size? Krakonoš: Well… quite average length in my opinion. Forefather Čech: It´s small. Krakonoš: It’s small. However – However, but… What are your plans for this country when things stop working here? Forefather Čech: /He thinks, he starts styling himself as a statesman, but he doesn’t do it very well. / We need new laws – laws that enable violence and corruption, if these things are not enacted immediately, they will appear to be happening illegally. Our state already has enough problems.  Krakonoš: Why don’t we go get drunk and tell the girls fairy tales?

Then we won’t hurt anyone. Maybe we’ll find Ustu Siena. Forefather Čech: So let’s go looking. Thank goodness I’m home now because outside there’s a nice mess for the world to deal with

2. Jesus and the Musician

A Prague street musician appears on stage and prepares his performance. The musician begins to sing. /

Musician:

Musician:

There’s something about Czech food

That makes my heart sing

Maybe it’s the way it’s cooked

Or maybe it’s the way it looks

It’s my comfort food, my happy place

It always hits the spot.

I hate British food, It’s so bland and tasteless

I can’t stand another bite

I’d rather starve than eat this stuff

All mushy and grey

I hate the way it smells

Like boiled cabbage and old meat

I hate the way it tastes

Like cardboard and water

I hate British food

And I’m never going to eat it again

I love Czech food, it’s so hearty and filling

I love the big bowls of goulash, and the tender dumplings

I love the rich beef stew, and the savory sauerkraut

I love the simple potato dishes, and the sweet desserts

It’s my comfort food, my happy place

It always hits the spot

I can’t stomach this slop

It’s making my insides churn

I think I’m going to vomit

The sauce is so thick and brown

The pasta is undercooked

The vegetables are mush

This meal is an abomination

I can’t believe I paid for this crap

I’m never eating Italian again

This food is gross and vile

I’d rather starve than touch another bite

I hope I can make it to the bathroom in time

But whatever it is

I’m hooked On Czech food

I simply can’t get enough!

I could eat kolaches all day

And never get tired Svickova, goulash, and dumplings

Are just a few of my favourites

Germans love their food,

But it’s mostly gross and bland

The sauerkraut is slimy

And the beer is as flat as can be

The sausage is full of gristle

But Germans will eat it all up

With a smile on their face

They’re used to the taste

So if you’re ever in Germany

And you’re feeling brave

Give their food a try

You might be surprised

But whatever it is

I’m hooked On Czech food

It’s my comfort food, my happy place

It always hit the spot

/ Jesus descends from Heaven to Prague because he hears the wonderful music of the Prague Street Musician.. /

Jesus: I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. I am Jesus Christ.

Musician: Is this some kind of post-schizophrenic tequila intoxication, or does reality mean nothing to anyone anymore. What do you want here?

Jesus: Man was created for reality and not reality for man. I heard your voice all the way to my living room.

Musician: Look, I have permission to play here legally.

Jesus: You look like a symphony guitarist. You must be from a big city, I can tell.

Musician: I’m from a small village called „TNapkins“

/Jesus listens and slowly begins to dance. /

Jesus: My son, these are divine chords you are playing!

Musician: Are you serious?! I mean, I only know one song.

/Jesus encourages him to play. /

Musician: The audience probably doesn’t like it much anymore… well, yeah. Sorry. I have nothing more to offer, I’m leaving… good night… goodbye.

Jesus: /He is interested in the guitar. / Maybe we could try something else. / In a whisper. / But be careful, a woman from Spain came with me. He goes around telling people to stop smoking crack –

Musician: Jesus, honestly? We… don’t need anyone to play for us anymore.

Jesus: /Laughs. / You know the old saying – „It takes two“? /He wants to take his guitar. / Please let me sing. Just one song…

Musician: /He’s packing his guitar. / I have to go to my love.

Jesus: You have none! You’re trying to get rid of me.

Musician: Great! Do you want me to call your dad and tell him what’s going on?

Jesus: /Encouraging him. / Probably.

Musician: /Walks away slowly. / All right, man. So I’m calling…

Jesus: Good luck

/He calls God. /

Musician: /God doesn´t answer / He probably doesn’t know who I am. /With a sigh. / Well, Jesus, if we want to play, we have to be able to play for people, and they expect us not to drop shit from our instruments! /Jesus pounces on guitar. The musician pushes Jesus away. / Jesus! This ain’t your tool, dude!

/Gives him an egg. Jesus is playing with the egg. /

Jesus: That’s the best feeling I’ve ever had in my life… Fuck… fuck! Shit! Whore! My God!

Musician: Just listen. It should sound like something.

Jesus: You want mw mwa mwa dude?! Come on! Will you have a mwy mo wa?

Musician: Don’t you like rhythm, Jesus?

Jesus: Not bad, right?

/ Jesus smashes the Musician’s guitar in the heat of the game. /

Jesus: Oh no no no! I’m so sorry! Do not be mad at me. How can I make it up to you?

Musician: Stop messing with my life!

/A hallucinogenic glow appears. The Musician recoils in horror as a woman runs up to him, screaming in Spanish. /

Musician: Oh God!… a woman is approaching… She’s smiling, she seems to have an expression that can only belong to good or evil.

/The words in Spanish are heard: Mi tio tiene cuarenta anus. /

Jesus: Keep an eye on her. Don’t turn your back on her, trust me!

Musician: Get her out of here!! We have nothing here for her!!…NO!!! NO!!!! NO!!!!!! NO!!!!… Nooo… NO!!!!!!! NO!!!!! NO!!!

Jesus: /To Small Spanish Speaking Woman / I do not condemn you. Go and sin no more!

/Jesus and Musician try to hide from her. /

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: Solo estoy buscando mi pipa de crack!

Jesus: The woman… she says she must be smoking crack because she’s the only one who knows the truth about the crucifixion.

Musician: Jesus Christ, man, that’s just an excuse!

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: Si es tarde! Qui me achebate! El suo pueso con su hacerta

Jesus: Jesus has an idea.

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: Yes you, my photo que me lo se la su casa.

Jesus: The woman said, „The music makes me weak“.

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: De tu seruir, mejor, está vostra

Musician: Well, look man, I’ve had some pretty fucked up experiences in my life – but…

/He faces Jesus – Small Spanish Speaking Woman can jump on his back. /

Musician: Do something! Try to get her off me!

Jesus: There’s an old saying… You can’t catch an elephant in the mud…

Musician: What the hell does that even mean?!

Jesus: That means I’ve seen hundreds of witches with less serious problems!

Musician: See has a name, Mr. Christ…

Jesus: You can ask anything, anything, but don’t ask her name!

Musician: What’s your name?

Jesus: Oh God.

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: Babel.

Musician: Your name…what does it mean?

Jesus: I said to my disciples ‚Do not kill your brother or cut off your hand, lest they both perish‘.

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: „Babel“ –

Musician: Ah, that means la raison la plus sainte de l’existence de Dieu

Jesus: You speak Spanish?

Musician: No, I understand beszelek egy kát magyarul.

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: Osaako joku kertoa mitä tapahtuu

Musician: Може ли неко да ми каже ста се дешава?!

Jesus: /Trying to calm them down. / Sakin ol!

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: Qualcuno sa dirmi cosa sta succedendo?!

Jesus: успокой се!

Small Spanish Speaking Woman: Nani ga okotte iru no ka dare ka oshiete kuremasen ka?!

Musician: Potest aliquis mihi dicere quid agatur?!

/Musician is confused about the languages he speaks. Other voices, other foreign languages, start to come from his combo. /

Jesus: Do you know when God exist the most? When people can’t understand each other. When they don’t see, because of the different languages, how they are similar. That’s when they need God the most. Sigh, and I was looking forward to finally having some time off now. But no,…

3. Smetana and Beethoven

/Two actors are putting on the costumes of Bedřich Smetana and Ludwig van Beetoven. They sing their iconic compositions: Ode to Joy and Vltava. They dress in striped swimsuits – they jump in the Vltava and catch fish. /

Beethoven: Catching fish is a hobby for geniuses.

Smetana: Are you working on your 10th symphony now?

Beethoven: My symphony has always been about music, you’re right about that.

Smetana: It’s not only about how you sing, but also what sound you make when something screws up.

Beethoven: The idea of ​​my new symphony was to use the motif of the bathrobe as the world’s moral center and thereby change everything.

Smetana: Let the world sleep.

Beethoven: Look! Catch!

/Instead of fish, Smetana and Beethoven pull out of the water an old porn magazine. /

Smetana: Look! Signs of femininity!!

Beethoven: These are beautiful ladies.

Smetana: I wish I could hear what you’re saying!

Beethoven: They are beautiful.

Smetana: Yes, I think so… but what are they doing here? / lasciviously. / They wanted to swim.

Beethoven: You want to hear what we’re going to do, don’t you?

Smetana: I just need a moment with her. I want to get this over with before my teeth fall out. Hey, there is something again!

Beethoven: I hope some friends swam after them.

Smetana: You know what they say – big fish eats small fish

/Beethoven and Smetana pull Karel Gott hooked on a fishing line out of the water. Karel Gott comes on stage and sings Být stale mlád. /

/Entree like from embarrassing TV Show. /

Smetana: Look, Ludwig, who did we catch!

Beethoven: No, this horse! Pop Karel Gott.

Gott: Sings Být stale mlád

Beethoven: /During the song / I have never been so disappointed and bored in my life.

Gott: Guys, haven’t you seen my magazines here? Smetana: /He presses the magazine to himself. / How could you leave them? How could you hurt them so much? 

Beethoven: What are you looking at? This place is reserved for geniuses only. 

Gott: Well? …when you go to America, don’t be surprised when there are Americans around you. /He is about to continue singing. / 

Beethoven: Look, I’ll say it straight – If you make us listen to that demented song of yours again!!! I will break your bones and burn them. 

Gott: Guys, let me be here with you. I have an idea… 

Smetana: Don’t even try to suggest that you suck our dick. 

Gott: Let’s go to my pool. Vondráčková is there. And Lucie Bílá! Come on, you can come see me there every day. /to Beethoven. / Do you remember, it will be like the time you advised me to write „Devil’s Ace“ and „A Thousand Blondes“?

Smetana: Did you help him write his shitty music? Beethoven: Look, I was young, I needed money.

Gott: He danced on my boat last week. Smetana: /to Beethoven. / Well, Ludwig… /Silence. /

Gott: There he stands!

Smetana: Who? Beethoven: Show me, the boys will look and see Smetana: /Between his teeth. / Silvio Berlusconi! Beethoven: Swimsuit Thief! 

Smetana: We must not allow that monster to exist. Once he tried to fish swimsuits out of people with a fishing rod, the whole village died. It just shows how devious people can be when there are no more rules to go around! Smetana: Is he your relative or something…? 

Gott: We had an affair, but it ended. Mirek was also there. 

Cream: Bunga Bunga? Beethoven: Friends with the Devil. Gott: He won’t hurt us until he find out we’re wearing swimsuits. 

Smetana: He’s definitely on the swimsuit hunt! 

Gott: He said he only wanted to kill a few people. Summer is supposed to be cold. Beethoven: There must have been some bodies left here after him! / To Smetana. / Where did you get that swimsuit? 

Smetana: Nowhere. Beethoven: By any chance – you didn’t take it off that body floating on the shore? Smetana: Absolutely not! I took it off the body floating over there…

Beethoven: We don’t need a swimsuit! We will swim like fish in warm water. 

Smetana: No, you won’t do that!! Gott, we need to come up with a plan immediately to… /Looks at Beethoven – he’s undressed. / God He did it! What’s written on your shorts?! / He reads. / „This one is fatal.“

Beethoven: You have nothing on me, Silvio! I’m safe! 

Smetana: I dreamed about this in my wettest dreams. 

Gott: The humidity is high here. 

Beethoven: This is the way! Gott: He’s right! /He undresses. / Smetana: /Sigh. / From my life… 

Beethoven: And what do you have written?! / He reads. / „I´m still standing.“ 

Gott: And what about you, Bedřich? 

Smetana: I oppose, but I don’t want any Bunga Bunga. /The Smetana gets undressed. / 

Gott: /Reads. / „My homeland.“ 

All excited: Hooray! We are saved. 

Smetana: /Dries porn magazine / We have an adventurous sex life.

Beethoven: /Laughing. / What a music education we had today, hadn´t we? /They are singing. / 

Three losers sitting in a Pond

Three losers sitting in a pond

Once we were the stars of the show

The three of us, sitting in a pond

We just sit here and stare at the sky

Our talent has dried up and died

We used to be the talk of the town

Now we’re just three losers sitting in a pond

We have no future and no hope

I don´t wanna go in a crazy house,

I don´t wanna see a louse,

I don´t wanna be in a group,

I just wanna eat my soup,

We have nowhere to go

We have nothing to show

We are just three losers

Sitting in a pond

We have no future

We have no past

We are just three losers

Sitting in a pond 

I don´t wanna go in a crazy house,

I don´t wanna see a cat,

I don´t wanna be in a play,

I just wanna sit by the bay,

And we don’t know why

We just sit here and rot

And we hope someone will find us

And end our misery

I will sell my dignity

To the highest bidder

I don’t need it

And nobody wants it

It’s just a worthless commodity

That’s all it is to me

I will sell my dignity

To the person who give me the most

But I know I’ll never get it back

And I´ll never regret it

It’s just a part of my story

There is no need to be sorry

I don´t wanna go in a crazy house,

I don´t wanna be with a mouse,

I don´t wanna see a clown,

I just wanna be with my frown,

When the days are long

And the sun is gone

We’ll still be sitting here

Together in our pond

I don´t wanna go in a crazy house

I would rather be alone, in a pond, with three losers

At least they don´t pretend to be something that they´re not

They´re just like me, normal and boring

I just wanna be with my three loser friends in a pond.

4. Bith of the Golem

/A rabbi in his cramped apartment full of books and trash. From them and from clay, he assembles an artificial man Golem, which he brings to life with the help of Hebrew formulas. The golem is like a newborn puppy, confused and unable to move. – a golem is a puppet – one person can play him. / 

Rabbi: Arise, artificial creature! Golem: What led you to bring otherworldly powers to life? 

Rabbi: You are the one who was created in our presence to make people happy! You are the one who will keep the name of his people! 

Golem: Oh my God, you’re talking through me! 

Rabbi: The high priestess of the God of Israel named you Golem to be a father. And you will be one sooner before later – otherwise the whole world sucks. Golem: /Amazed. / Man, you must be the Pope! 

Rabbi: Ajvajvaj, he’s blind! Do I look like a rock? 

Golem: What is the reason for my existence? / The rabbi is reluctant to answer. / Nothing is born by accident. 

Rabbi: That wasn’t quite my case… 

Golem: A house must not exist just for us to live in. If it has no meaning, it has no existence! 

Rabbi: I need a real estate agent and I thought you were good. 

Golem: I asked you why I’m really here?

Rabbi: I’m helping my daughter to a real man. 

Golem: This guy starts my day with some really good news! /He falls to the ground wailing. / But I don’t need a pimp! Rabbi: Don’t lie here like that. 

Golem: I’m dead. You want me to marry my sister! Let me rather die! 

Rabbi: No sister! My daughter! 

Golem: You gave me life too, so a sister, you see? 

Rabbi: Well, that’s true actually. /Looks at him. / And the girl is not any bit like her brother, I’m afraid. /He’s thinking. / Perhaps you can repay your debt to Mr. Ritchikitchikowitz in another way. 

Golem: Forget the past, Jew. How many years of service? 

Rabbi: One hundred and seventy-five. And there will be thirty-three of us. Then you can kill twelve of them. 

Golem: Deal! 

Rabbi: I would say that you made the best decision possible. If you don’t mind I am saying it myself. Now… we’ll have some work to do, shall we? /Throws away Jewish food. / No more chiva, no more shmonah. No shmelek kachya-toh! Let’s stop playing ascetics. You’ll get a decent meal. 

Golem: What? 

Rabbi: The twelfth lockdown is going on outside. You must go shopping for me. 

Golem: How is it done? Rabbi: A very simple matter. Do you have a three day old PCR test? 

Golem: I’m not even three days old. / The Rabbi is silent. / Well, it doesn’t make sense, no matter how hard you try…

Rabbi: No problem, we’ll do a self-collection antigen! /The stamen breaks in the Golem’s nose. / Your test went wrong! Now we’ll never find a real Golem in all this. But if the tests are faulty – we have to use the new one! /Fetches the *latest* test to use. / Golem: What’s that thing doing?! It hurts! My skin is burning.

Rabbi: You are made of clay, your skin has a long history of burns. /Examines the test. / Negative. Golem: I don’t even have lungs. It doesn’t matter how many times you shove it into me. So…what should I buy for lunch?

Rabbi: Oh… I don’t want any specials, just a few simple everyday things… a big fat turnip, a little rabbit with green eggs inside.

Golem: Okay. Can Jews eat KFC? Rabbi: I don’t see why we can’t if it’s not Shabbos. Now get lost.

/Golem goes shopping – Rabbi tells a Jewish anecdote. /

Rabbi: A few weeks ago one wise Rabbi was having dinner and some boy asked if he would buy him something. Rabbi thought – now what am I going to do with all these guys who come here dressed as Santa? But the boy didn’t bring any money. So he took the shoes off the mannequins in the coats. Rabbi got really angry and threw a glass at a guy with glasses and hit another one. This hit-man gave him a book about Moses‘ dreamland and then said he would never see it again because it looked too far away. He made these words: God wants me to bring my family here so they can enjoy themselves. Rabbi got as close to him as he could, kissed him, pulled him to the light and it went out.

There were only three of them in the room and then they heard the angels singing, when they looked up they saw Jesus coming down from heaven with a new light bulb. It was amazing how quickly he replaced it. So you see… this life is not easy either. But God will never let people have to call an electrician at one in the morning. Because God will not allow any man to spend his money in vain. Elohi hugedol. Amen.

/Everyone sings Just fine, just dandy. Golem has a microphone. /

Just fine, just dandy

Just fine, just fine said the clown with the big red nose

as he packed up his bag and prepared for the long journey ahead.

He had been touring Europe for years and knew

every city and village like the back of his hand.

But this time would be different,

he could feel it in his bones.

This time he would make them laugh until they cried

and their sides hurt from the joy.

Just fine, just dandy

The Czech clowns are touring Europe

And everything is going to be

(Just fine, just dandy)

We’re just a bunch of Czech clowns,

And we’re feeling pretty high;

We stole a farmer’s goat,

Ad we’re gonna take it for a ride.

We’ll ride it to the moon,

And back again to the sun;

We’ll keep on riding,

Until the farmer’s goat is done.

They’ve been to Germany and France

And now they’re headed to Spain

And everything is going to be

(Just fine, just dandy)

We came to town like a bunch of clowns

Drunk on beer and full of laughter We stumbled around and made a scene

And the villagers thought we were mad

But we just kept on drinking

And the beer kept flowing

Until we finally passed out in the middle of the square

And the villagers just shook their heads

They went back to their lives

And we woke up the next day

With a hangover so bad

We could barely move

But we had to get up

And do it all over again

Because that’s what

drunk Czech clowns do

We’re just a bunch of drunk Czech clowns,

we don’t know what we’re doing,

but everything is going to be

(Just fine, just dandy)

Boris Johnson was high as a kite

He saw the Czech clowns smoking weed

It would be really funny

If he joined in and had a toke

Now the UK’s Prime Minister

is a giggling, stoned-out mess

And the Czech clowns just laugh and laugh

At the silly things he says!

But in the morning, when they woke up

they realized that it was all a joke

Boris Johnson was just another clown

And we were all just drunk

We’ll stagger and we’ll fall,

and everyone will laugh at us.

And everything is going to be

(Just fine, just dandy)

5. Prepering for the Presidency

/Masaryk and Havel are preparing for the evening when they are to speak at a party celebrating the beginning of the Czech presidency in the Council of the EU. Masaryk tries to shave his beard with a razor. Havel lifts weights and strengthens. / 

Narrator: Everything is upside down in the Czech Republic, as the entire country is preparing for the planned takeover of the presidency of the Council of the European Union. The nation sent two of the toughest weights it has – Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk, the first president of Czechoslovakia and Václav Havel, the first president of the Czech Republic – to guide the country through this difficult task. Both of them are now preparing for tonight, when they are to speek at a party celebrating the beginning of the presidency. Havel: Truth and love must triumph over lies and hatred 

Masaryk: /Concerned. / That sounds too dangerous. Havel: It won´t hurt truth anymore 

Masaryk: It’s not easy to shave yourself. 

Havel: I don’t have time, I’m trying to gain some muscles. 

Masaryk: What kind of muscles? 

Havel: Nice firm ass muscles. That makes you a badass. 

President Masaryk: /He calls out. / Let’s open the door, gentlemen! President Havel: Door to where?! 

President Masaryk: *Open doors* is my motto for Europe and we will do our part by knocking… 

Havel: Thirteen years ago, we talked here about what it should look like next time.

We were talking about confetti, balloons and condoms…

Masaryk: And then my friend Víka came and started singing.

Havel: All her friends were crying because she looked like a prostitute.

Masaryk: / Takes his dumbbells. / I don’t think you understand what we’re trying to do here. It’s nothing monstrous. We just want everyone to have clean beards.

Havel: The first thing any civilized leader says when he comes to power is: “You know why I came here tonight. It wasn’t just for any reason. I’ve come to finally kick Londoners‘ ass…”

Masaryk: Yes, I said that too – the last time in London. /Havel is silent. / If you knew half as much history as I do, it would seem less strange to you. It is absolutely clear what Europe needs – a motorcycle.

Havel: You don’t mind me trying to take it seriously…?

Masaryk: Europe is on its way to a party. But without us it will only come on a broken bike… Europe will not come on a shitty bike!

Havel: The world thinks that politics is a party – and it is!

Masaryk: We will return the Czechia back to society!

Havel: We will do it our way, not theirs.

Masaryk: We’ll cut off dick to the first one who leaves and we´ll put it in our pocket. Show me how you dance for Europe, Havel!

/Havel tries to dance. /

Masaryk: /Disgusted. / These things should be judged by a fucking military tribunal. Come shave me. / Havel’s hand is shaking, Masaryk is shaking for old age – shaving lazzi? / 

Masaryk: We are wasting precious daylight. /Masaryk combs his hair, Havel discreetly tries to leave the room.

/ Masaryk: /Catch Havel. / What are you doing? It’s time to show ourselves to the Europeans.

/Gives him a shot of liquid courage. / This will help you find your truth! 

/Masaryk wants to drag Havel to the Spanish Hall, Havel tries to escape from him. / 

Havel: Yes, Masaryk… speaking of today… I already have something on… 

Masaryk: Are you kidding? 

Havel: It’s enough if you´ll be there, isn’t it? Masaryk: I have something on… also

Havel: What is so important that you miss a dinner with the top European politicians because of it? 

Masaryk: / Takes a riding whip on him. / Don’t try to screw me like people who tries to steal money from banks by pretending they don’t know how much they owe.

Havel: In the interest of our rapprochement with the European Union, I will have dinner with Miss Europe today. 

Masaryk: /laughs. / That was funny… a joke of the most ridiculous kind… What kind of freaks gave you that idea? 

Havel: We’ll just drink and go to bed soon. 

Masaryk: You will stay at home – or you will only eat from your own fridge!

/Havel leaves. / Hey, you little bastard, get back or I’ll cut your balls off. 

Havel: Now we have the opportunity to actually be in Europe and not to look like shit! 

Masaryk: Do you want to see some balls? I know you do. 

Havel: Can you stop saying „balls“ to show what an alpha male you are? 

Masaryk: And you want to go on a date with Miss Europe and let her steal your… balls. 

Havel: Should I go to dinner with Miss Russia instead? Do you realize that would cost much more than our friendship. 

Masaryk: Do you know how I would describe my penis, Vašek? „The World’s Largest Building Kit“. The only thing bigger than him was the German army in World War II. 

Havel: Look, she arranged a date with me last night at that conference…

Masaryk: No, she arranged a date with me last night at the conference! /Both are silent in surprise.

/ Masaryk: /Shaking his head. / What is it with these women… they’re like flies. 

Havel: Let´s go on the same date tonight. This is our only chance, and it looks like it may be our last. We should work out the rules before we find out I’m kissing her behind our table… got it? 

Masaryk: No threesome! 

Havel: No toothbrushes sharing! /They shake hands.

/ Masaryk: Let’s pray she doesn’t flirt with the waiter! That would piss us off, huh?! 

Havel: Wait, she’s going over there. /Both are panicking, they are trying to appear masculine and nonchalant and to attract the attention of Miss Europe. / 

Miss Europe: /Slightly horrified. / What kind of place is this here, a castle or a cave? 

Havel: We don’t know that. But there seem to be over fifty bars within a three mile radius… 

Masaryk: /Stutters. / Madam, can politics ask you a favor? We need you to shave us. Miss Europe: /Takes a razor. / You have a knotted beard, you are like an ancient Roman. 

/Masaryk and Havel try to flirt with Miss Europe, but she steadfastly dedicates herself to her task and continues to take care of both presidents. / 

Havel: If you want, we could all shave our heads like sisters.

Masaryk: How do you feel after riding a horse? Can you stand for long hours without getting dizzy? 

Havel: Do you think it would be adorable if we shaved our legs? 

Miss Europe: If my new boyfriend saw me with such adorable guys, he’d be jealous. 

Havel: Your new boyfriend? 

Miss Europe: Yes, he must be on his way. It’s a shame, we women have a better feeling from sex. 

Masaryk: Keep her busy. /Masaryk leaves. / /Havel and Miss Europe are silent because they have nothing to say. Noises are heard from behind, Masaryk returns. / Masaryk: /Whispers to Havel. / There was a man, very horny… He attacked me with a big stick, somehow I managed to hold his hair and cut him his… 

Havel: What? /Nervously. / Cut him what, Masaryk?! 

Masaryk: …beards. Havel: What does the fucker even look like? Masaryk: Like some dwarf general.

Havel: /Screams. / Frenchman! Miss Europe: Oh yes, he will be here soon. My French is not bad enough to hold a conversation with him. But I always wanted someone who understood how I dressed.

Havel: /Diplomatically. / You have the same rights as all girls… Masaryk: But if you ever went out with a hot French guy…

Havel: You would lose the privilege that we have to take care of you…

Miss Europe: I think I just like to show people how great I am… that they should notice. So see you in 13 years, guys? / She leaves. / 

Havel: / He looks behind her with a sigh. / My ass… where is it? 

Masaryk: Nothing is half as bad as a little flirting. 

Havel: The day is almost gone, and yet our country is not a step from the edge of the abyss! 

Masaryk: Bring me ice and a glass of water. 

Havel: We will drink water, go to a party and see tomorrow. 

Masaryk: At the end of today’s celebration, I would be happy if everyone present raised their glasses of water and joined in the chorus of the anthem of our presidency. Can we have the pleasure? 

/ Everyone sings hymn Water is better than sex. / 

Water is Better Than Sex

When you know your evening will be lonely
Pour yourself a glass of water, slowly
With ice, it will be cold and blessed
Drink it down and feel – refreshed

Water is better than sex

Clean and pure

Won’t give you diseases

Chorus: Please, baby, endure!

Water is better than sex

It’s what our bodies need

Won’t make you pregnant

Chorus: Let´s plant another seed!

Water is better than sex

It won’t steal your time

Always available

Chorus: Oh yes, It´s so fine

Water is better than sex

Feel the rush

Of the purest love

Chorus: Let your borders crush!

Water is better than sex

When we’re all alone

We’ll make love to the water

Chorus: Oh, let´s moan!

Water is better than sex

Always there for you

Asks nothing in return

Chorus: A whole new point of view!

Water is better than sex

Don´t feel dirty or ashamed

Anytime you need it

Chorus: You can remain unnamed!

Water is better than sex

Won’t make you feel like a whore

It’s always wet

You have space for more?

 Another songs:  

This land is taken!

I won’t let my land be taken

I’ll fight for what’s rightfully mine

With every breath in my body

I’ll make sure that I’m the one who survives

There’s nothing more important to me

Than protecting what’s mine

So I’ll do whatever it takes

To keep Earth round

I will keep this land for my profit

Hey, keep your hands away!

Leaving this land to someone else would be a shame

I need some place to shit

There’s plenty of room for everyone

But I’m not sharing

I will take what’s mine by force

If that’s what it takes

I’m not afraid to die

In fact, I’m quite keen

To take as many with me

As possible, it seems

The more people that I kill

The more land I can claim

It’s a never-ending cycle

Of hatred, death, and pain

And I’m not the only one

Who thinks this way,

so Please don’t try to take my land

Or we’ll go to war again

The Pulse of the City

Jesus, what do you see in this city?

Do you see the beauty or the ugly?

Do you see the hope or the despair?

Do you see the people?

Jesus felt the pulse of the city

He just couldn´t wait

Jesus saw the potential

For this weekend to be great!

He went to the dealership

He was looking for a brand new car

Some beamer that fit His needs

And now He’s driving in a style

Jesus moves from place to place

Dancing and spinning all around

He’s bringing joy into the space

He´s creating a magic sound

There was a small woman of Spain

Who danced with joy in her heart

Jesus came and danced with her

And they had a wonderful start

There once was a Prague guitarist

Who played his tunes with great skill

His melodies were so sweet

They made birds start to sing

Long hair and kind eyes

Jesus offered him glass of wine

´Come and sit with me my son

do you feel pain in your spine?´

The guitarist told of his fame

Of the girls and Santa Claus

And how he longed for something more

Than the meaningless applause

And they began rolling

like a ball of sunshine

This gang got a special way of moving

And it always looks so divine

I need a light!

Is this another bill?

I have no money

Is only thing left to sigh?

Do I have to read only when it´s sunny?

I need a light

I need a light

I can’t keep living in the dark

I need a light

I need a light

Just a little, little spark

The gas prices are rising

And I can’t afford the heat

I have to wear a coat indoors

to keep a sensitive meat

I need a light

I need a light

I can’t keep living in the dark

I need a light

I need a light

Just a little, little spark

We can only hope

But my wallet’s looking so tight

I can’t even afford to try

or let my head be bright

I need a light

I need a light

I can’t keep living in the dark

I need a light

I need a light

Just a little, little spark

The cost of living is going up

But my salary’s staying the same

Is there no end in sight?

Tell me, who should I blame?

I need a light

I need a light

I can’t keep living in the dark

I need a light

I need a light

Just a little, little spark

I need a light!

Thousands and thousands of fee

But now I have to pay

Even for what was once free

I need a light

I need a light

I can’t keep living in the dark

I need a light

I need a light

Just a little, little spark